February 2012
3 posts
the others in my life have been there for a long time. This therapist skin is new, and they treat it like a parlour trick. ”Turn it on,” they beg. “I have a problem.” They do not see that I am just muscle, blood and bone underneath. This is the only skin I’m in.
They are always comparing, and we are laughing when I put on the old Meg coat. It’s...
I am excited like a kid anticipating presents to hear your stories. They are a gift, and I plan to savor them. Your voice is singular and fascinating. It has been a long time, maybe forever, since I felt this fascinated by someone. I am longing to know more. And I just want to listen. and listen. and listen.
I miss you. There is no other way to say that I want what can not be. I miss you. Achingly. I am haunted. the grief keeps coming, Smashing through the levees my mourning built.
Bittersweet: When my grandmother was dying, she called my name. For days, she called my name. I never knew how deep her love was. We could never figure out how to say it. And the knowing came right at the edge of...
January 2012
3 posts
There is space in my heart for loneliness.
That’s how I know it is getting better.
There is space in my chest for longing.
That’s how I know hope will come to call.
There is space.
in my heart. in my chest.
On becoming a counselor
I feel so privileged, blessed and honored to have found my calling in life. I am so aware that finding a calling, a career that fulfills, renews and challenges me every day is a rarity. I know enough people to know that most of us putter through our work lives clocking in an out. The job is the means to an end. In many ways, my career is its own end. I am certain is bringing me closer to God,...
December 2011
4 posts
I want to believe every promise you make me.
I want to surrender into your words
and trust that they will be the ground
this is our earthquake, baby
when everything shakes.
moves shifts
tumbles down
I’m sorry
doesn’t even begin.
those few nights
we spent on the phone.
you were marvelous company.
Those few nights
2011 Best Music
Like everything else in my life this year, this list wrote and erased itself a hundred times at will. Change is the only permanent, unchanging thing in the universe. The magic is in the paradox, I guess.
So now, my list. It’s not in order because choosing just ten albums is enough without trying to rank them.
Adele - 21 I love this album. I wasn’t immediately sure how I felt. The...
Tragedy comes whether you’re dancing or weeping. You might as well dance.
November 2011
2 posts
The nature of the universe
Jung called it synchronicity. I call it God. Some people call it coincidence. Whatever you call it, there are inexplicable forces at work in the universe. When you tap into that, possibility just expands exponentially.
Thoughts on music
Ceremonials failed to live up to expectations in so many areas, but Ghost of the Beast by Kelli Schaefer fixes that. Seriously, it’s everything I wanted from Florence and the Machine but better. It’s brave and honest, layered and complex, and Kelli’s voice is singular. I’ve been raving about this record like some crazed evangelist since I first heard it. I’ve...
October 2011
1 post
Currently Reading: The Rest is Noise
Found this quote in The Rest is Noise by Alex Ross -“Art is the sacred torch that must shed its merciful light into all life’s terrible depths, into every shameful and sorrowful abyss; art is the divine flame that must set fire to the world, until the world with all its infamy and anguish burns and melts away in redeeming compassion.” - Thomas Mann
This starts to explain why art...
September 2011
1 post
Albums I will love forever
1. Knuckle Down - Ani DiFranco
2. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago
Arcade Fire - Funeral
Sarah McLachlan - Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
Radiohead - Kid A, In Rainbows, Hail to the Thief
Thom Yorke - Eraser
Adele -21
Erin McKeown - We Will Become Like Birds
Conor Oberst - Outer South
Bright Eyes - Cassadega
Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism
The XX - xx
August 2011
1 post
All grown up
Julie died on July 11. It’s been five weeks. I took Katie shopping today. She needed a dress for the service on Saturday. I felt much older than my age sitting in the dressing room trying to help her figure out what to wear. I’m not used to being all grown up.
Saturday is going to come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. Gotta keep it together for everyone else whose pain...
May 2011
1 post
Turning 29
Life is insane which means life is normal. I am healthy. So healthy, so alive and full of hope and expectations that I surprise even myself. I am truly, endlessly and overwhelmingly blessed.
I will begin my Masters of Science in Counseling at CSULB in a few days. I’m so excited to begin this chapter in my life. The road was long and hard but now the air is sweet and cool.
I am...
February 2011
1 post
Bachelor of Arts, Psychology
completed. Will be finding out how long it will take to print my diploma tomorrow.
Grad school interview on Feb. 15. Nothing to wear.
Glad to finally, finally have a break. I feel like I’ve earned it.
October 2010
1 post
Waiting for my year
There are times I wonder when will it be my time. Feels like I’ve been waiting forever.
I know it’s on the way. I believe it is coming. I will wait impatiently.
Here’s how I know:
“I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:11
Listening to: The Zombies - This Will Be Our Year
March 2009
6 posts
Neglecting Puddles
Puddles,
I’m sorry I seem to have completely neglected you over the past month or so. I’m terrible at journaling. Absolutely godawful terrible.
So in cryptic codex here’s what’s sort of going on
Restoration complete. Distance still set at 5,342 feet. Times two. I wonder if it will ever be the same? At least I sleep at night.
Embracing independence and aloneness...
February 2009
11 posts
I am trying to forgive you, even though you haven’t apologized. At this point your behavior is so unacceptable. I’m trying so hard not to all anger and bitterness to eat at my heart. I kind of want to kick you in the teeth. Thank you, God for stepping into my heart at just the right moment so that I can muster some sort of….patience? And oh yes, for Raul who took me kick boxing...
6 weeks time
It took just six weeks
from conception
to death
brief pit stop in
we could fix this yet
and now
I stand on the edge
of nothing
mourning
what might have been
another light snapped out
and these tiny deaths
pile, pile, pile high and higher
i am lost, clawing out from beneath
six weeks time
On Aloneness
I’ve been afraid of being alone, not in the moment to moment sense for a long time. Afraid I will go through this life with no one. Afraid I will die alone. Afraid as I get sicker, slowly one by one each friend will fall away. I will be left alone. Because everyone dies alone. So I guess I know that when it’s time to die, I will die alone. When you die, you’re the only one...
So sick
it’s stupid. I mean really shouldn’t be allowed.
Thankfully, I am going to see the doctor in about an hour so i will hopefully get some answers and feel better very soon.
Still rebuilding my music library. Taking forever but coming slowly and surely.
Still unsure about you and what I want? Spent most of last night feeling extremely certain I never want to get married or have...
Hellenistic Age
Hellenistic Age
Differences between Hellenistic and classical art and the causes of those differences. Arts of classical age people trying to emulate the Gods
severe, austere
strive to look timeless and perfect
contemplate Gods and timeless perfection and standards
Arts of Hellenistic Age people satisfied with culture so no longer need to emulate the Gods
strive for movement, humanity,...
Friday night
Home on a friday night.
Sick with bronchitis.
Tussles with my best friend.
Rain pitter pattering on my roof
new macbook.
new perspective?
new love?
new hope.
And this…
learner.org - The Western Tradition.
I’m a history geek. the end
WHERE EVER YOU ARE< WHO EVER YOU ARE
Ha! did you know psychically that it’s been a terrible day without even sunshine to redeem it? Thanks. I need the hug.
cardinalcave:
I AM SENDING RAPID HUGS AND ULTRA SILLY LIGHT TO YOU BECAUSE THAT IS HOW WE ARE ROLLING NOW OKAY_ GOOD!
off to work. XOXOXO
R
Life’s just so busy. I know. Believe me I know. Maybe life is just too busy for our friendship. I’m beginning to wonder.
January 2009
42 posts
Stumbled onto something amazing
This site is insane, and beautiful and I adore it. I want to read every letter she’s written. Not because they are particularly profound, or well composed but rather because they are REAL. They are real feelings, and god knows I’ve had so many of them.
This girl wrote 300 love letters to ex-lovers, boyfriends, roommates, friends, strangers, crushes, etc. Then mailed them to...
Mean stomach
Puddles, My stomach is acting up AGAIN. These days it feels impossible to figure out what triggers it. I loathe the idea of keeping a food diary or doing an elimination diet but I might be out of options Its also mlk day and I am working. Surprise, surprise. However it is an easier day because of my caseload today. Still, super tired and need a nap Caffeine and pizza. Yum! M
Navigating the world of help
Puddles,
I work on a blog, soon to be a full fledged non-profit. And I love it. I see the passion my friends have to help people and I am fully inspired to give more and do more, and be more. Every second feels so completely rewarding. I have to be honest, though that sometimes it makes my head hurt! All the laws, reading, navigating the system, even just evaluating charities.
I feel like...
"Loss of faith of a fangirl" A SUPER AWFUL- REBLOG
It took me a really long time to respond to this. In fact, I wasn’t even going to respond. However, this has been really weighing on my mind the last few days. I don’t even know Ryan, and I obviously wouldn’t consider him a friend. But I do think it’s really unfair to judge the way any person copes with illness, sadness or anything else in their lives.
First of all,...
Pizza is INSANE
Mozza pizza. That pizza is ridiculous. I need it in my life at all times. Let’s go have some.
But you, Bunny, I miss you and want to eat pizza with you alllllllllllll day long. Please give Seb and LeeLee back soon. I miss them too. Sees you tonightish.
“I love people. Everybody. I love them, I think, as a stamp collector loves his...”
– Sylvia Plath
literary quotes
(via boxocolor)
(via cardinalcave)
Oh Sylvia…you’re perfect.
you're sleeping now, yes
iloveryanadamsblog:
davidryanadams:
you’re sleeping now yes,
yes, i can tell
i can see it when you are falling soon asleep you get lost
in almost breaths
and i would pull strands from your forehead
kissing it
and think of peaceful peach waves of light
interrupting
inside i feel destroyed waiting to be rebuilt
like a ruin
in afternoon light
and
someplace nearby the whispers of...
Is is too late to say don’t go?
...
Goodnight
Please, dear God, don’t let me wake up sick. This throat feeling, and stuffy nose are very ominous.
